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Consultancy Humour

 
#1 Consultancy Humour
31/07/2014 18:25

Bushy Eyebrow Partner

Any good consultancy humour or jokes please?

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#2 RE: Consultancy Humour
01/08/2014 10:07

a07 to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#1)

Rather old joke but one worth recycling:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

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#3 RE: Consultancy Humour
01/08/2014 11:24

powernap to a07 (#2)

Classic one - remember an italian colleague with terrible English and even worse timing telling it at a team-building do. Jokes.

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#4 RE: Consultancy Humour
01/08/2014 12:51

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to powernap (#3)

I would have loved to heard that!

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#5 RE: Consultancy Humour
01/08/2014 14:23

Anon MCs to a07 (#2)

Sad but true...

A medical doctor, an engineer, and a management consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor started… "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam’s body. This must have required surgery, and so I can claim with a high degree of confidence that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The engineer responded, and said, "But earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most impressive application of civil engineering. Therefore, dear doctor, you are wrong: mine is surely the oldest profession in the world."

The management consultant leaned back in his chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

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#6 RE: Consultancy Humour
01/08/2014 15:00

marsday to Anon MCs (#5)

As we are recycling old chestnuts on a Friday..

A Partner in a large consulting firm and a more junior colleague decide to go on a weekend trip hunting bears.

They arrive at their small log cabin set in a clearing deep in the forest. The Junior Consultant starts to prepare a simple meal for them in the kitchen and begins to set up the range of equipment he has brought along for the bear hunt.

The Partner drops his bags and immediately disappears out the front door of the cabin; he is gone for about an hour.

Suddenly, the Partner comes running at full speed out of the trees, back across clearing and straight in through the front door of the cabin, with a huge grizzly bear just a few paces behind him.

As he disappears out the back door he yells over his shoulder at the Consultant "OK, You skin this Beauty, I’ll go get us another!"

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#7 RE: Consultancy Humour
04/08/2014 15:00

Smithy to marsday (#6)

I actually prefer this one to the other two.

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#8 RE: Consultancy Humour
04/08/2014 15:17

Mr Cool to Smithy (#7)

A management consultant goes into his local corner shop. He overhears the manager complain to his assistant that no own seems to be interested in his new line in dinosaur magazines. The consultant explains to the owner the basic concepts of cross -selling and suggests he tries moving the new magazines from the magazine rack of predominantly gossip magazines, to the area of the shop filled with cheap plastic toys.

The next day the consultant goes back to the shop and the owner is delighted to tell him that his entire stock of dinosaur magazines has been sold to mums who have come into the shop with small boys who normally pass their time browsing through the cheap plastic toys. The owner begs the consultant for further advice, asking him how best to get rid of a large stock of chocolate bars that are nearing their sell-by date. The consultant explains the concept of placing the product to encourage impulse buying along with a short lecture on the importance of pricing appropriately.

The next day the consultant returns to find a delighted owner who has cleared out all of his old chocolate. To his consternation the only items left are two Dime bars and no matter how much the shopkeeper discounts them and no matter how prominently he places them in the shop, no one seems to want to buy them.

The consultant smiles and explains that although he has often read about the concept, and many of his colleagues talk endlessly about it, he has never actually seen a pair of dimes shift.

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#9 RE: Consultancy Humour
04/08/2014 16:42

marsday to Mr Cool (#8)

A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

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#10 RE: Consultancy Humour
04/08/2014 16:54

marsday to marsday (#9)

Actually that last one feels a little in bad taste in the light of recent events, so apologies for my poor taste.

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#11 RE: Consultancy Humour
04/08/2014 18:21

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to marsday (#10)

The joke's still a good one though... it's a bit like the story of the public sector bureaucrat who started writing a letter to the fire brigade when somebody discovered that the office was on fire.

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#12 RE: Consultancy Humour
04/08/2014 20:54

Arby the Manager to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#11)

Jeez Mars - don't get all PC on us... Bad taste jokes are what get me through the day...

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#13 RE: Consultancy Humour
05/08/2014 08:23

detoilet Consultant to marsday (#10)

Paddy is walking along the street where he meets his old mate Murphy. He says not seen you for a while. Murphy says he's been working away in Management Consulting. Paddy says what do you do and how did you get that job. Murphy says he's been to university studying logic and is now a Business Consultant specialising in Logic Strategy.

HmmM what's that says Paddy. Murphy says I'll give you an example. So Murphy says Paddy have you got a Gold Fish. Paddy says yes. So Murphy says you must then either have a gold fish bowl or a pond ? Paddy says Pond - then you have a garden, if you've got a garden you have a house, if you have a house you'll be bringing women back to it regularly for adult games (Paddy's nodding) and therefore you are not a w****r ! Paddy is amazed and says he going to learn this.

Paddy does some study and gets a job in MC. On his first day he meets the FD of Public Sector Org. Welcome to Dublin Council Paddy. Paddy says thank you and asks the FD, do you have a gold fish says Paddy. The FD says no I don't

Paddy - well i'm not working here for a w****r like you !

DC

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