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Client Horror Stories

 
#1 Client Horror Stories
05/12/2012 12:59

Bushy Eyebrow Partner

Tell us all about Horror Stories you have witnessed during a consulting engagement.

Be detailed, be descriptive.

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#2 RE: Client Horror Stories
05/12/2012 19:42

Honesty to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#1)

A graduate consultant printed, on client site, a very internal document highlighting how we seek to increase our revenue stream for that very client, by finding 'growth' areas where they may need 'additional support'.

The client kicked us off what was a multi-million £ engagement, and a Director was fired for allowing it to happen.

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#3 RE: Client Horror Stories
05/12/2012 21:06

Bravehearted to Honesty (#2)

Freaking hell. Over-reaction much?

1) What became of the graduate?

2) What was in the document that couldn't be justifiably explained?

I imagine if the "growth areas" identified indeed existed, this is simply stating the fact???

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#4 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 07:17

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to Bravehearted (#3)

Yeah, sounds harsh. It's no secret that big consulting companies actively plan their "upselling" to a client. But great to hear that story! Love it!

Any more horror stories?

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#5 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 12:21

Bob to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#4)

PA. Memory stick.

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#6 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 12:59

rc to Bob (#5)

A Big 4 director currently sitting on client site blatantly working away the whole day on his Big 4 internal business on his Big 4 laptop while billing full time to the client for work he is not doing. Grrrr.

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#7 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 13:56

Mr Cool to rc (#6)

I presume you're not signing his time submissions?

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#8 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 14:10

marsday to Mr Cool (#7)

meanwhile in a Big 4 audit division far far away someone is looking at 2 post-it notes* one saying 'do not screw up autonomy valuation' the other saying 'HP is not just a sauce' and thinking must not type must not type must not type

:)

* other brands of adhesive notes in small squares are apparently available.

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#9 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 14:39

baykus to rc (#6)

RC - is the director being paid for outputs or by the hour?

As in, if he & his team are producing the results within the agreed cost envelope what is the problem?

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#10 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 15:47

Mr Cool to baykus (#9)

Paid based on output... A big4 director!

I am quite literally crying with laughter. For sooooo many reasons.

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#11 RE: Client Horror Stories
06/12/2012 16:56

rc to baykus (#9)

client is bodyshopping them by the day. they have failed to bring the skills or generate adequate output - underdelivering massively versus the experienced contractors they are working alongside; suspect their days are numbered. they're not reporting into my division or I'd have had them out already

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#12 RE: Client Horror Stories
07/12/2012 09:39

detoilet Consultant to Bob (#5)

ATOS memory stick also - at least their stick made it to the pub and they got a government contract extension so maybe not so much a horror story after all.

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#13 RE: Client Horror Stories
07/12/2012 16:13

Bravehearted to rc (#6)

RC - I take it you are a client?

Still, I would argue you have no basis to assume he's doing internal work simply because he's working in his Big 4 laptop.

Consultants often have to make use of their primary (work) laptop to do client work e.g. when accessing hugely useful internal resources.

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#14 RE: Client Horror Stories
07/12/2012 18:03

Mr Cool to Bravehearted (#13)

Hugely useful internal resources! That's even funnier than the "paid by output" line.

Keep em coming

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#15 RE: Client Horror Stories
08/12/2012 18:15

Bravehearted to Mr Cool (#14)

Hugely useful internal resources! That's even funnier than the "paid by output" line.

Keep em coming

LOL - it's true. Don't you agree?

All those useful frameworks, templates, tools, processes etc would usually be on the intranet and primary laptop - not the client issued one.

Hence a valid reason to be on the "Big 4" laptop.

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#16 RE: Client Horror Stories
10/12/2012 09:31

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to Bravehearted (#15)

And Bushy ROARED with laughter hehe

But yeah I love intranets. Gotta love all the copy & paste jobs you can do with it.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr Bushy BSC MBA Ctrl-C

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#17 RE: Client Horror Stories
10/12/2012 22:46

Mr Cool to Bravehearted (#15)

There are very strict but VERY SECRET rules about use of management consultancy developed collateral (templates, knowledge, IPR, etc) that most large firms teach their consultants once they move into business development.

Please keep these secret; I risk being disemboweled for revealing them....

1. At the point of pitching for business - "Our previous experience with an almost identical client means that we would hit the ground running; much faster than any other consultancy and as a result we would expect to deliver up to 50% more more for your budget than our competitors"

2. On mobilising the project, post-win - "Although we obviously cannot share specific documents that we have developed while working for your competitors, we should be able to staff the project with consultants with direct experience of those projects, making us up to 40% more effiicient"

3. On ramping up the project (once the key senior consultants have returned to the "other" project where they have long term commitments) - "Although it would be unethical to staff your project long term with consultants that have worked with your competitors, re-use of some of our generic templates developed across multiple clients in your sector should make us up to 20% more efficient."

4. About half way through - "Although we are technically behind schedule, I think its only fair to remember that this is a truly ground breaking project that we are working on together. There is no real precedent for this work and as such we are trailblazing together"

5. Even later = "It really would be a shame not to see the project through with us. Think of all the intellectual capital that we have developed while working here. It would be terrible for you to lose that experience.

6. Repeat Rule 5 until replaced by KPMG. unless you are KPMG, in which case until replaced by PWC

Really - I could write a book on this, and a bunch of other ridiculous, breathtaking, silly statements that actually worked pretty well when I carried a target....

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#18 RE: Client Horror Stories
10/12/2012 23:29

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to Mr Cool (#17)

I want to hear more from Mr Cool about these sales techniques! This stuff is gold, pure gold.

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#19 RE: Client Horror Stories
11/12/2012 08:29

marsday to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#18)

Mr Cool please be detailed and descriptive...

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#20 RE: Client Horror Stories
11/12/2012 10:41

rc to marsday (#19)

as a recipient of endless pitches, my favourites are on the theme of:

"we are different" - remind me again, which one are you?

"we have the best people" - but the last bloke said that he had the best people..

"we do it with you, not to you" - are you really still competing with 1980s Andersen Consulting?

"doing nothing is not an option" - doing nothing is always an option; just look at your client relationship partner

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#21 RE: Client Horror Stories
11/12/2012 11:15

marsday to rc (#20)

RC that made me laugh so hard I am now slightly dehydrated.

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#22 RE: Client Horror Stories
11/12/2012 18:00

someguy to marsday (#21)

I missed this forum.

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#23 RE: Client Horror Stories
11/12/2012 20:55

Tony Restell (Top-Consultant.com) to someguy (#22)

Loving it folks, great to have the old humour back - and Mr Cool, there's definitely a script-writing role for you on the "House of Lies" film set... yours for the taking!

Tony

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#24 RE: Client Horror Stories
11/12/2012 21:44

Mr Cool to Bushy Eyebrow Partner (#18)

Ha ha! Just for you Bushy, coming soon, my guaranteed make your target technique called "when is a square not a square, when it's a rectangle".

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#25 RE: Client Horror Stories
12/12/2012 10:55

Bushy Eyebrow Partner to Mr Cool (#24)

Hehe I'd really like to hear that one...

As ever, please be D&D.

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#26 RE: Client Horror Stories
13/12/2012 00:47

Bravehearted to rc (#20)

But you still buy consulting services, so those "lines" must be working.

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#27 RE: Client Horror Stories
13/12/2012 13:50

rc to Bravehearted (#26)

@bravehearted - it's 12 years since I first made partner, so I think I know the game and can sort the wheat from the chaff by now ;)

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#28 RE: Client Horror Stories
13/12/2012 13:54

AnotherConsultingDrone to rc (#27)

@bravehearted - it's 12 years since I first made partner, so I think I know the game and can sort the wheat from the chaff by now ;)

Yeah because as usual on here everyone's a partner, not a bored analyst.

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#29 RE: Client Horror Stories
13/12/2012 15:43

Mr Cool to AnotherConsultingDrone (#28)

except us contractors - but we would all be partners by now if we'd stayed.

Of course.

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#30 RE: Client Horror Stories
13/12/2012 16:31

rc to Mr Cool (#29)

and some of us have indeed been partners, in more than one institution, and are now happily independent and client-side. not everyone on a forum is necessarily a liar....

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#31 RE: Client Horror Stories
14/12/2012 01:31

Mr Cool to rc (#30)

Rc- those with sufficient frame of reference know that you are what you say you are.

You should post more...

You like it here, but you have more to share.

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